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I feel like a phoenix in the dying stage. My grandpas dying, grandma not far behind, fiancees grandma had a stroke and is bedridden with an aneurysn slowly building in her brain, both her cat and dog died suddenly within the past few months, my dads chronic cancer suddenly has worsened and he's headed for chemo. Its like all my old life here is burning away in preparation for my new life with Meagan wherever we end up.

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Did you do it?

I broke a couple of things, threw the chairs out back around some too. Slammed a beer, then ran to the bar and slammed two Guinnesses, then ran back to the apartment and smoked a bowl. Felt much better. Still need to move out soon, I've got too much work to do and can't keep losing it like this.

 

 

Its like all my old life here is burning away in preparation for my new life with Meagan wherever we end up.

 

That's a good way to think about it. You're moving onto the next phase of your life. Treat it like that and you've freed yourself to do whatever you like with it.

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as in I assumed you got into that state via some kind of drug

 

the expression "losing it" implied it happened naturally, and I was wondering if you had like, an adrenaline disorder or something

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Nah just run of the mill girl problems. It's complicated, but basically a girl I was seeing is dating my roommate now and it's been messing with my head way worse than I had anticipated. I'll be fine once I can move out, but for now I feel trapped in my apartment and it's not helping.

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I've got a degree to finish first, unfortunately. Then the military after that. There'll probably be a period between graduation and deployment where I'll make my way across the country.

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Drove to my ex's today to get my stuff that she still hadn't mailed over 6 weeks later and to finally move on with my life. Driving back it felt like a humongous weight was taken away from me, it really was exhilarating.

details

 

Besides the fact that we broke up over the phone and the last time I saw her we were still together, I had to go there to get something I wanted and something I needed; to see her crying and finally getting her to say she doesn't love me anymore. Being a destiny-minded romantic, the ambiguity was going to consume me if I didn't kill it. The fact that she couldn't say anything in defense of her and her actions besides "I don't know" and crying really actually upset me that I've wasted so much of my life with somebody so indecisive and who could become so indifferent to me so quickly.

 

Time to find a new future, step one is to get into the gym tomorrow.

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Time to find a new future, step one is to get into the gym tomorrow.

good decision. I've been working out and getting outside a lot more lately and it's incredibly refreshing.

 

I tried throwing a rock the other day, something I did well and often as a kid, and I was dumbfounded to see that I threw like a girl. Like horrendously. So I worked on my throwing and now I can hit things just like old times. And I didn't stop there, I re-taught myself some sweet basketball-handling moves and perfected my stroke. I am ready for you summer, come at me bro

 

run of the mill girl problems.

women are freaking harpies, man. I remember when people kept saying they were the "fairer sex" and they were always considerate and proper and that they didn't want to be ogled and that they made smarter decisions than men. and yet they dive headfirst into the badboy scenario, tear apart friendships, dance just to be ogled by strangers and distract guys from the great things guys are trying to work on

 

sometimes I dread meeting new women because they're also bringing their baggage with them

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I'm not going to make any generalizations here about any women, but it is unfortunate that friendships get ruined over them. Really sad stuff. I lucked out with my roommate situation. He didn't know what was going on and really isn't to blame so we're not fighting and ending things (I've lived with this guy for three years) in a hostile manner. But it's still over with. Things just aren't the same anymore and they're not going to be because a girl got involved.

 

le sigh.

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@Shroomy: sure is vaugely misogynistic generalizations in here. Some people are nice, some people are assholes. And of course girls are dancing to get ogled, they're just not necessarily wanting to get ogled by every dude out there. And that "prim and proper" shit was made up by dudes wanting quiet, obedient wives, not women.

 

@Dave: the nice part is yes, girls can fuck up friendships, but usually its a temporary thing which is nice. Sooner or later, if it wasn't malicious as in this case, either you'll move on or he'll move on and then friendships can resume.

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@Shroomy: sure is vaugely misogynistic generalizations in here. Some people are nice, some people are assholes. And of course girls are dancing to get ogled, they're just not necessarily wanting to get ogled by every dude out there. And that "prim and proper" shit was made up by dudes wanting quiet, obedient wives, not women.

That's true and I'm mostly venting here, I don't really believe all that. I'm really just frustrated at people in general, not just women. But there's plenty of frustration to be had when you're looking for a girl who doesn't have any glaring problems and can't find any. There are a lot of cultures that women just kind of find themselves in that are annoying, like the whole cosmo-girl thing or pop fads, and they tend to cause problems with their boyfriends/husbands because they're so intent on comparing beauty and attention.

 

Also, incoming generalizations:

 

1. Many guys are encouraged to be reckless, violent and dickish because women won't stop giving them sex for being bad. If women would stop giving it up to badboy retards maybe some people wouldn't be stabbed for jamal's badboy resume, jamal would learn a valuable life skill and take control of his life instead of getting pussy, and then jamal wouldn't knock a bitch up and turn into a thuggish father so he can restart the process with his son. All women would have to do to help the world get smarter is stop giving stupid people sex, but they can't.

 

2. Sexism goes both ways. I've known plenty of delusional feminists who believed men were nothing but pigs and that women were the superior gender who are smarter and better than guys in every way - it's just that men hold them down. I had to debate these bigoted bitches about how men are supposedly the whole problem with everything in the world (war, hate, poverty, greed, etc) as if the world would be so much better without men - but wouldn't be better without women. Personally I think it's a big collection of problems from both sides.

 

3. As a progressive type of guy, you probably know I don't like the idea of sex being all over the place because that distracts us as a whole from making the world better. I think there are a lot of things to achieve that we all can agree would be incredible advancements for humankind. But like it or not, sex and relationship issues are some of the biggest, most forefront things that take our focus away from improvement. The effort, time, and general goals that average people spend on impressing or hovering around the opposite sex is staggering. That doesn't stand alone, either, I've seen people refuse to accept science and progress specifically because it helps their relationship goals and that makes me want to slap them.

 

So tl;dr I have a lot of criticism over how the whole gender system works on both sides, but like I said, I'm not really all that serious business about it. sorry if any females have to read all this :D

 

 

 

anyway, I had a sweet day. I'm thinking about learning how to cut my own hair.. I feel like it would save me a lot of money and all I would really need is a buzzcut with a little bit longer in front, but not sure how to do that

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Well, I feel much better now. I'm sure the modafinil has quite a bit to do with it, but I hung out with the two all night with no problems and they were very good at keeping everything away from me. They didn't even touch each other, and I know they go full-on dating PDA in public when I'm not around. We've reached an unspoken understanding that I think will keep me in pretty good spirits until I can move out. The random irrational freakouts are probably still going to happen, but from a rational standpoint I think everything is stabilized. Still sucks but the initial feelings (detachment, betrayal) have all but dissipated out.

 

Other than that I'm bogged down by every class deciding that this week is when all of the midterms and projects are going to happen. There's not going to be much sleep for a few days.

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It's cool Shroomy, PJ is 100% sausage anyway.

 

Anyway, women are attracted to violent dudes for the same reason dudes are violent-- it's an evolutionary advantage. It's really the same problem.

 

I definitely wonder about the altruism thing. I've certainly found that I've become a much more selfless, forgiving, and generally altruistic person since I met Meagan. I wonder what I'd be like if I wasn't getting steady supply of love and sex to keep me happy?

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So instead of going to the hookah bar at 1 AM with my friends I decided to go to bed because I had class tomorrow

 

My friend walks in the room that night at some unknown hour talking about how they got pulled over and our other friends were arrested

 

He told me this morning he was fucking with me, but they really did get pulled over and the cops found nothing

 

So I guess I was lucky.

 

I also feel very clear today. the springtime has me in a constant good mood.

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